Crookshanks vs Hedwig
by Cookie-rookie
Summary: Sirius Black gives Hedwig a letter to deliever to Harry,then noticing he had given the bird the wrong letter he hires Crookshanks to get it back. This is the story of their battle over a letter. Pairings SBRL, HPDM, ?/HG, one-sided Pansy/Draco. Crack


**Word Count**: 4,313

**Rating:** T for language and sexual innuedoes

**Pairing(s): **SBRL, HPDM, ?/HG, one-side Pansy/Draco

**Warning(s):** Language, hints at minor sexual activities, OOCness, and an unfortunate Harry Potter.

**Summary:** Sirius Black gives Hedwig a letter to deliver to Harry, then hires Crookshanks to get it back after making the mistake of sending the wrong letter. This is their battle over a letter that should have never been sent.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter or any Character from the series.

Crookshanks vs. Hedwig

A battle of the century

* * *

The hallway was silent, eerily silent. Not even the normal chattering from the paintings or the rushing footsteps of the students could be heard. In fact the hallway was deserted, not even the ghost were around. There were vacant spots in the paintings, where the ghost people used to be.

Suddenly with jerk movements, shiny full body armor came alive, and began to dance as if its torso and legs were separated. A low hoot came from the helmet, then with a snap it opened up, and a white blur flew out and zoomed down the hallway and out a window. In that very moment the top half of the armor collapsed down onto the bottom half earning a low hiss full of hurt.

A fat orange cat crawled out of the pile of armor, only to have its head get stuck in the helmet that came down hard after its short suspense in the air. After a minute or two, wrestling with the helmet, the orange cat hissed loudly and then with extra gusto, shoved the helmet off its head with its front paws, landing soundly on its fat rump with a thud.

Getting up and shaking his fluffy face slowly as if to warn off any dizzy spells. Retaining a growl Crookshanks narrowed his yellow eyes as if to say that the owl will pay.

Turning his head to the right, he scanned his surroundings. His yellow eyes quickly landed on the open window at the end of the hall. His eyes widen then quickly narrowed into slits, as if he just caught a mouse.

With satisfaction, Crookshanks practically skipped over to the window with a Cheshire cat grin plastered on his pudgy face, and with a quick leap he was on the window sill looking down at the grass below.

Looking around as his fur rustled in the wind, he sat patiently on the sill waiting for something or someone to come along and cushion his fall, knowing that he couldn't survive a drop from the Gryffindor tower without injuries. His eyes widen with pure glee as he saw a boy with bright red hair come by slowly on his broom practicing riding it with no hands. Crookshanks leaned back ready to pounce at any given time.

"Hey! Harry, Hermione, I can fin-"Ron was roughly thrown off his broom and landed on the ground with a thud. Looking up, on his chest he saw bright yellow eyes staring back at him, purring loudly.

"Crookshanks?" Ron asked hesitantly, watching the fat monstrous cat with morbid fear.

"Ron!" Ron turned his head to Harry and Hermione as they approached him quickly.

"Are you okay?" Harry asked as he helped Ron to his feet.

"Yeah" Ron said as he began to pick up his broom. "Well then this should be okay to do!" Hermione huffed angrily while slapping Ron upside his head. "You shouldn't do something so reckless Ronald! You could've broken something or killed yourself!" Hermione chewed Ron out angrily.

"Hey! I was doing the move perfectly before that monster you call a cat jumped me out of nowhere!" Ron sputtered at Hermione.

"Don't you even dare blame Crookshanks for your incapability to perform a quidditch move! Crookshanks is not even around here!" Hermione snapped, even more angrily, back at Ron.

"What are you talking about? He was just here!" Ron said angrily, looking around for Crookshanks.

"Ron I think that fall must've done something to your head. I think you should go to Madam Pomphrey and get it checked out" Harry said gently, guiding his friend back into Hogwarts and toward the nurse office.

"Bloody hell Harry! I'm perfectly fine! I swear Crookshanks was-"Ron was cut off by Hermione.

"It's not fine to blame my Crookshanks for your fall" Hermione huffed then quickly added "Crookshanks is an adorable, innocent cat that will never do anything bad" Hermione ended, crossing her arms.

"What about that time he helped Sirius?" Ron asked.

"Who is a good guy" Hermione retaliated.

"Who was thought to be a mass murderer at the time" Ron said, his voice picking up a high pitch at the end of the sentence.

"Who in the end was an innocent man charged for something he didn't do!" Hermione yelled.

"So what does that prove? We didn't know that back then!" Ron shouted back at Hermione.

"It proves that Crookshanks has a very good sense of judgment!" Hermione yelled back.

"Guys, can we stop talking about Sirius here?" Harry asked silently looking around for any eavesdroppers.

"Stay out of it!" Ron and Hermione shouted together at Harry.

Unbeknownst to the trio, Crookshanks was watching silently behind a tree branch. Leaning down to pick up Ron's know forgotten broom he threw down while arguing with Hermione, Harry turned around in enough time to catch a glimpse of an orange pudgy tail. After a second of two Harry dismissed it as an trick of the mind when he turned around again and it wasn't there. He then went back to Hermione's and Ron's argument.

…..

Trudging through the forest, Crookshanks had a smug look of satisfaction on his face. Looking around his yellow eyes lights up with delight as he surveyed the disaster he just caused.

Huge spider webs twisted and curled around trees connecting them all together. The white webs did not have any real patterns except for the fact that there were huge, monstrous spiders tangled within the webs.

Turning around slightly, Crookshanks looked up at the biggest spider there and meowed slowly. The spider squirmed slightly but did not acknowledge Crookshanks meow. Crookshanks only huffed before fully turning around and began to slowly slink over to the spider. His bright yellow eyes gleefully took in the flinch the spider gave as meowed even louder than before.

The spider flinched as Crookshanks claws seemed to grow and sharpen, threatening to cut the string that connected the entire spider's food.

"Wait! I suddenly remember! Please I'll give you the information you want!" Ero said quickly not wanting his children's lunch and dinner to be released.

Crookshanks purred approving Ero's willingness to talk.

"The white bird, the owl, went towards Hagrid's hut" Ero said.

Crookshanks tilted his head slightly to the left as if he was requiring a little more information; his claws seemed to gleam even more when this action occurred.

"The owl had a package that wasn't opened. The owl is taking a short break at Hagrid's hut with the package still attached to her leg!" Ero practically shouted at Crookshanks.

Crookshanks nodded his head then turned around and with a quick movement, he cut a thin piece of translucent string that held all the spiders in midair. He quickly marched off, towards Hagrid's hut.

….

Crookshanks was in the middle of the forest, watching the figures in front of him, sitting in a bush next to each other.

One had short black hair that ended shortly beneath his ears. His face was pale beneath the bright moon. His dark obsidian eyes showed his emotions for the whole world while he looked at his companion: hope and love showed through the most. Slowly but steadily, the black haired man slid his hand over his companion's scarred ones.

Crookshanks blinked at the romantic gesture but did nothing to interrupt the couple as he continued to watch from his tree branch.

The other man had short auburn hair. His eyes were a warm amber color that held kindness and love in them. His face was tanner that his companion and held more scars than his companion but that did not affect the loving smile that stretched among his face as he chatted away with his friend.

Crookshanks watched as the two talk softly to one another, not even noticing his presence above them.

"Sirius, you have to listen to what I'm saying!" Remus laughed softly as he tried to gain Sirius' attention again.

"But I am paying attention" Sirius pleaded as he leaned a little closer to Remus.

"Really… Well can you tell me how to solve this problem with Severus?" Remus asked quirking his left eyebrow up.

"Sex" Sirius said as he stared straight into Remus eyes.

"W-w-what?" Remus asked, blushing madly at the suggestion.

"Yes, sex. If you were to have sex with me it will make you less irritable and more tolerate of Snivellus and happy" Sirius exclaimed happily as he grinned at Remus.

"What if having sex with you doesn't help?" Remus asked as he sighed as Sirius' antics.

"It will make me happy" Sirius grinned happily before it slowly started to turn into a mischievous grin while he crawled on top of Remus.

Grinning down at the auburn haired man, Sirius leaned in for a kiss. The kiss started off sweet and chaste before quickly becoming musky and hot. Slowly and tantalizing they pulled away, a thin sting of saliva connected the two together.

"The rules are still no sex until you get the letter back" Remus said smugly as he watched Sirius' happy face dim into a sour look.

"But Remy!" Sirius whined as he wrapped his arms around Remus waist.

"My name is not Remy, Sirius" Remus told Sirius while crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"But I already sent Crookshanks to intercept the letter from Hedwig" Sirius complained into Remus' shoulder. "I don't care, you shouldn't have sent the letter out to begin with" Remus said obvious, ignoring the wandering hands of Sirius Black.

"But Crookshanks is a very smart cat, not that I'm saying Hedwig isn't a smart owl, so he should have the letter on your desk by tomorrow morning!" Sirius said desperately, his hands holding Remus by the waist and kissing Remus' cheeks quickly, multiple times.

"No means no Sirius" Remus said cheeky, paying no mind to Sirius' kisses.

It was at that moment that Crookshanks decided enough was enough. Springing from the branch with enough force that it started to shake before giving a sickly "snap", it snapped down on the two below the branch. Crookshanks quickly hid behind the nearest tree as debris and dust flew into the air where the branch had landed.

Once the dust and debris was cleaned for the air, Crookshanks could only see one figure under the branch. With a slight squint of his eyes, Crookshanks could tell that Sirius Black was trapped underneath the branch and that Remus was above Sirius, you could practically feel the waves of smugness rolling off him, looking down upon Sirius.

"Gah! Remus love! Will you be kind enough to help me take this branch off me" Sirius pleaded, looking up at Remus with puppy eyes, Crookshanks practicly gagged.

"No" Remus said bluntly, not even blinking as he stared down into Sirius' shinny, puppy eyes.

"Please?" Sirius begged again, his eyes starting to shine even brighter.

"Don't even try the puppy eyes with me. I invented that look" Remus said with a blank look on his face.

It was a moment later, which Remus turned his head slightly to the right, as if he sensed that Crookshanks was hiding behind the tree. A grin was set on his face as turned to face towards Sirius.

"Ahh! Remus! My adorable love! You are so cute!-" Crookshanks just started to zone out Sirius' rambles. Looking at Remus' face, Crookshanks couldn't help but let his pudgy fur face turn red a little as he stared into the ultimate puppy dog eye look.

….

Crookshanks face was furious with a hint of smugness as he paddled his way towards Hagrid's hut. He had gotten distracted by Remus beautiful- Crookshanks quickly shook his head, trying to get back to his mission.

With a snap of a twig Crookshanks quickly hid behind a giant pumpkin. His eyes dazzled with enjoyment as he watch Hagrid walk away from his hut and into the forbidden forest.

"Poor, Ero, to have-" Crookshanks zoned out Hagrid's mumblings when his eyes fell onto a special white bird.

Sitting there in her full glory, was Hedwig. But what really made Crookshanks eyes light up like a Christmas tree was the fact that the letter Sirius had given Hedwig, and then later ordered Crookshanks to take it back, was still tied to her leg.

Creeping slowly and quietly, Crookshanks practically crawled towards Hedwig, trying not to awake the resting owl from her nap.

Taking a deep breath, Crookshanks crouched, his back paws peddling in place, ready to make a dash towards the resting owl. Crookshanks eyes narrowed and with a great leap Crookshanks sprang into action. His whiskers blew in the wind as he soared through the air. When he landed onto the ground in the middle of the pumpkin patch, he made a quick dash dodging obstacles, such as rocks and gigantic orange pumpkins, once he was close enough to the window sill, and still resting.

Crookshanks eyes widen in disbelief as Hedwig looked down at him, her bright eyes gleaming as she ruffled her feathers in annoyance.

Hedwig stretched her wings far and wide while giving a loud hoot before she swooped down at Crookshanks. Peaking Crookshanks wildly and with all her might, Hedwig did not notice that Crookshanks had snatched the envelope from her.

With a loud muffle hiss, Crookshanks quickly slashed at Hedwig before running off towards Hogwarts, leaving a dazed Hedwig behind on the ground of Hagrid's Pumpkin patch.

Getting up slowly, Hedwig calmly shook her head then ruffled her feathers then with an effortless jump she was in the air soaring with great speed and swiftness. Looking down at her letter less leg she gave a loud hoot full of rage before gaining more speed.

Once above Crookshanks, Hedwig dived straight down towards the earth and the rather large orange cat. Crookshanks, looking up as soon he heard the flapping of wings, quickly dodge the sharp talons of Hedwig.

Running even faster, Crookshanks, and flying even faster, Hedwig, while dodging attacks from one another, the two didn't even notice that they were already in Hogwarts.

….

Laughing loudly among his close friends, Ron smiled seemed to grow as he walked along Harry and Hermione.

"My, my, if it isn't Potter and his friends" a voice sneered from behind the trio.

"Draco." Was all that Harry said, a sour look appeared on his face.

"Why Potter! When did you gain the right to call Drakey-poo by his first name?" A pug faced girl asked as she wrapped her arms around Draco's shoulder ignoring the looks of disbelief and slight disgust creeping upon Draco's face, making it all the funnier to look upon.

Hermione stifled a laugh.

"What are you laughing at mudblood? All those lonely days in the library, have you finally lost your sanity?" Pansy sneered at Hermione.

"Maybe, but at least I don't use my magic to make my boobs bigger" Hermione calmly stated.

"Is that why you are as flat as a board! Mudblood!" Pansy sneered, her face gaining two tints of redness as she glared at Hermione.

"Humph. It doesn't matter if my breasts are big or not, at least my man actually likes me!" Hermione said as she raised her voice slightly her glare never leaving Pansy's.

"What do you mean, mudblood!" Pansy shrieked her glare intensifying. "Drakey-poo loves me! Right!" Pansy asked Draco her glare never leaving Hermione's and her arms tightly squeezing Draco's neck in an overbearing hug. "Drakey-poo! Tell her you love me!" Pansy commanded ignoring the fact that Draco had started to turn blue. "Draco!" Pansy shrieked as her grip on Draco started to tighten.

"Let him go, Pansy. You're suffocating him." Harry reasoned gently, watching Draco start to turn from blue into purple.

"No-AHHHHHH!" Pansy was interrupted by a smack in the face.

"H-h-hoot" a weak cry came from the white bird on Pansy's face.

"Gah! Get this thing off me!" Pansy yelled, letting go of Draco who immediately dropped to the ground, gasping for air.

When Hedwig was off Pansy, she quickly flew down the hall way. Pansy, who just got out her wand, looked down the hallway where the bird just took off to.

"You stupid owl! Get back here!"Pansy raged before running after Hedwig, shoving Hermione down into the ground.

"Hey! You can't just shove people down into the ground!" Hermione shouted before she started to run after Pansy.

"Stay out of my way mudblood!" Pansy shouted back before turning left at the end of the hall.

"You shouldn't have shoved me! Pug!" Hermione shouted back, soon the two girls were out of sight and listening range.

"…"

"…"

"Was that Hedwig?" Harry asked dazed, while helping Draco up.

Unfortunately for Harry, or fortunate in some way, he pulled Draco up with to much force that there lips met.

"Sorry!" Harry apologized quickly to Draco, his face flushing red with embarrassment.

"Why Potter….." Draco started to say, sneering at Harry, his face bright red and contrasting with his white-like blonde hair and usually pale skin. "I didn't know you liked me this much" Draco said, his lips tilting up in the corners to perform a slight smirk.

"W-what?" Harry asked loudly, stunned at Draco's accusation, and unaware of Draco pulling him away towards an empty classroom.

"C'mon Potter, show me why you're the golden boy" Draco started, pulling harry into the classroom and closing the door with a click behind them.

Ron stared out into space, his mind blank and still absorbing what had just happened. With a sudden flash in his eyes and a look of outrage on his face Ron opened his mouth to yell "Hermione has a man!"

….

The room was silent to a scary degree. Two witches stared out into the mess of the Ravenclaw common room, knowing very well that they, and the two bickering animals, were the cause of the messy room. Chairs and couches hung from the ceiling, tables were flattened to the floor, parchments covered the entire floor along with books, and many Ravenclaws were knocked unconscious during the battle between the two pets. All in all the room looked like a battle zone covered with books and groaning Ravenclaws.

Gapping at the scene of Crookshanks and Hedwig frozen in mid battle- Crookshanks leaping over Hedwig, in mid air, claws gleaming with the intent to maim the bird and Hedwig posed in a high jump karate kick stance after had turned around to face Crookshanks-Hermione took a deep breath, while closing her eyes before flashing the two stunned animals a dazzling smile- ignoring the mutter of "crazy mudblood" from Pansy- she pointed her wand towards the frozen animals and whispered a translation charm she had read in a book called "Language of the common pet" before walking over to the two glaring pets.

"Just give me the letter back you over grown carpet of fur" Hedwig started, voice deep and husky and all together manly.

"Hedwig?" Hermione asked slightly confused at the voice coming out of white owl.

"Yes?" Hedwig gritted out, owlish eyes narrowed onto Crookshanks mouth that held the letter tightly in his jaw.

"I – please forgive me if this comes out rude- thought you were a girl" Hermione said ignoring the snickering that came from Pansy.

"I am a girl" Hedwig ruffled her feathers in offense of being referred to as a male.

"You don't sound like one" Pansy started giggling slightly at the miffed bird "with a voice like that you would think you were a man" Pansy said her voice strained in laughter and slight smugness.

"She acts like one to" a squeaky chipmunk-like voice said.

"C-crookshanks?" Hermione asked slowly, able to hide her amusement at her male cat sounding squeakier than Alvin from the Chipmunks. Unfortunately, Pansy couldn't.

"What are you laughing at pug-face?" His voice raised in volume and became even more , if that was possible, squeakier.

"Obviously at you! Hairy rug!" Hedwig growled.

"What did you say? Bird brain!" Crookshanks shouted back at the owl.

"Bird brain? Ha! Go chase an yarn ball!"

"Go find something shiny to look at!"

"Get eaten by a dog!"

"Go and get eaten by a c-!" Before Hermione could even blink and raise her wand to stun the animals they regained their movements and continued their once interrupted fight.

Parchments and books soared once again in the air as the two animals began their dangerous tango of anger and hate. Dodging books and dangerously sharp quills, Hermione ducked behind a knocked over bookcase. Coverings her head with her hands, she curled into a small ball as she heard the battle rage on between the two animals and the shattering of glass against the walls, ceiling, floor, and occasionally against the bookshelf she hid behind her. After hearing a loud thump and a sound of a loud scream that rivaled a banshee, Hermione poked her head around the fallen bookshelf slightly- ready to duck back behind it in case of a flying object- she stared at the horrid sight of the Ravenclaws common room, wondering if Hogwarts had insurance.

The parchments and books that covered the floor were rip and torn into pieces and floated in the air making the room look like snow was falling, the Ravenclaws were no longer making any noise and their bodies seemed to be in mid lock in some complicated twister game. Hermione hazardously got up only to have a pancake fall in front of her covered in syrup. Looking up in awe she saw the furniture that hung on the ceiling broken and covered in pancakes and syrup. Carefully walking over to a knocked out Pansy, who Crookshanks was passed out onto, Hermione gingerly picked Crookshanks up in her arms.

"My poor adorable, innocent, little Crookshanks! How dare that nasty owl do this to you!" Hermione hissed ignoring the groan of pain from Pansy. "Let's go talk to Harry and tell him to make Hedwig apologize to you!" Hermione said before turning around swiftly and walking out of the Ravenclaw common room, acting like the battle never happened and that Crookshanks was still an innocent cat.

"I wonder if Hermione is infested with Ornitholithics" A petite blonde Ravenclaw hummed to herself as she skipped towards the across the common room and out the door.

….

Hedwig flew done the hallway with great speed. Her eyes searching for her master, while she clutched the letter tightly in her talons, she spotted a red haired boy- one that was always seen with her master- in the hallway, muttering to himself outside of a class room. Slowly stopping in front of the class room she peered in, seeing her master sitting on a desk with a blonde hair boy asleep in his arms. Swooping in and landing softly beside her Master she lifted up her leg showing her Master the letter in her talons.

"Thank you Hedwig" Harry said softly as he stroked Hedwig's feathers before taking the crinkled paper from her. "From Sirius" Harry started as he scanned the letter, a blush coming to his face as he finished reading the letter, Hedwig thought this blush was entirely cute.

"I love you Master!" Hedwig said, her voice deep and husky, sounding like a man.

"Talk?" Harry asked, his mind in jumbles of confusion as he stared at Hedwig. Sensing deep anger and sudden danger Harry looked down at Draco who was now awake and glaring at Harry.

"Cheater" Draco said his voice seeped in anger as he pushed himself off of Harry.

"What! No! Hedwig can talk!" Harry said, quickly getting up and grabbing a hold of Draco's arm, looking at Hedwig as if to tell her to talk.

Hedwig just hooted in delight of having her Master look at her.

"Humph. That is one talkative owl there Potter" Draco said stiffly crossing his arms in front of his chest as he glared at Harry.

"But it's-"Harry was quickly cut off by Hermione.

"Harry! Look at what your owl did to my poor innocent Crookshanks!" Hermione yelled at Harry, who looked at where Hedwig had been.

"Well Potter are you going to explain or not?"

"Well…"

"Harry! Crookshanks need his apology now!"

"Um…"Poppy Pomfrey

….

Later on that day Hedwig hooted happily from her perch beside her Master as he groaned in pain.

"Mr. Potter, if you keep on visiting the hospital wing like this you might as well start living here" Ms. Pomfrey said as she floated in between all the Ravenclaws-minus one- and himself, with nasty healing potions. "You always get sent here, how do you always get hurt? If it isn't falling down the stairs, it's a curse, or if it isn't a curse it's falling off your broom, if it isn't falling off your broom it's a hex, if it-"

"I know" Harry said, knowing his list of injuries that he has received at Hogwarts is longer than the list of enemies he has.

"I swear! The next time I see you –heaven forbid if this was to happen- it will because you drowned in a pit full of a three headed dog's leftovers!" Ms. Pomfrey said as she shoved one of her nastiest healing potions down a first years Ravenclaw throat.

"I will get you for this Harry Potter!" The first year shouted after Ms. Pomfrey finished shoving the potion down the first year's throat.

"Amen" all the Ravenclaws said at the same time.

Harry just groaned, knowing his list of enemies was catching up with his list of injuries. If Voldemort didn't kill him then a jealous Draco would, or revengeful Ravenclaws would, or the crap and piss of Fluffy would, or –Harry winced at the last thought knowing that out of all the choices he has of dying this would be the most painful- a pissed off Hermione would.

Hedwig just hooted happily.

….

In the same place as before….Ron stares out into the distance, his eyes glazed over.

"Hermione has a man!"

* * *

Ornitholithics- A made up creature that lives in human hosts. It cases the dislike of birds. The word "Ornitholithic" is based upon the phobia of birds "Ornithophobia".

A/N:I am thinking about making this story into a series of oneshots including the Hogwarts animals. Please R&R I would love to hear your thoughts about this story.


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